Review of LRW Wrestling Video #9: Hayden Beaulieu vs. The Masked Who Dat?

The Conclusion of LRW's Two-Part Homage to David Lynch's "Blue Velvet"

     The obsessed, sadistic Masked WhoDat? enters the LRW Wrestling mat room to the instrumental version of Angelo Badalamenti's "Mysteries of Love," an ironic choice from the "Blue Velvet" soundtrack. The former resident of New Orleans' mysterious Bywater area of the Ninth Ward immediately reaches into his bag of voodoo paraphernalia and extracts a large pair of scissors, which he holds against Hayden's throat.

"Hold still and I won't stab you..."

     The WhoDat? uses the scissors to cut a few locks of Hayden's meticulously coiffed hair, which he uses in his pre-match voodoo ritual.

A thoroughly cowed Sean Evans looks to the heavens as his friend is terrorized

A dazed Connecticut boy experiences culture shock

     In "Blue Velvet," Frank Booth represented the seamy side of town across from Lincoln Street (a subtle historical allusion) and Jeffrey Beaumont represented the wholesomeness of mainstream culture. In this video, the WhoDat? represents Big Easy anarchy and Hayden (the rural eastern Connecticut resident) represents bucolic New England.

The Masked WhoDat? proves to be a master of mind games

      At the end of the ritual, the WhoDat? extinguishes the human-shaped, black candle and quotes Frank Booth: "Now it's dark."
      Before the match begins, Hayden tries to reason with the Masked WhoDat?: "Can't we talk about this?" The WhoDat? simply extracts a tube of lipstick from his singlet and tries to paint the traumatized rookie's lips, but Beaulieu cries out, "No!" and pushes the masked man away.

"In pro wrestling, this would be known as a foreign object..."

     Once spurned, the masked man applies the lipstick to his own lips and subjects Hayden (off camera) to the sort of forced feminization seen in Blue Velvet's "Joy Ride" scene.

"Oh, Pretty! Pretty, Pretty!"

    
     This bit of "abuse and sadistic humiliation" (a descriptive phrase used by Ringside at Skull Island's Blogger Joe) is followed by a chop to the rookie's chest. Then the WhoDat? uses a full nelson to bring Hayden to his knees.

"Eat the mat, kid!"

     Beaulieu's strategy for surviving this ordeal is clear from the onset: don't do anything to drive this psychopathic masked man over the edge.

"Look! I can do anything I want to him..."

     Hayden's youth and good looks naturally antagonize the embittered WhoDat? -- and offer a rationale for his cruelty.

Hayden's perfect hair provokes the jealous WhoDat?

"I'll rip that hair right out of your scalp!"

"Eat the mat again, pretty boy!"

     Naturally, Hayden's fair countenance arouses the WhoDat's wrath...

Hayden confided that he believed his lips would actually crack during this segment.

"Look! He's smiling for the camera! He likes it!"

At this point, Sean can no longer bear to look.

     Any brief reprieve that Hayden enjoys during this match is just an intermission between periods of torment...

Hayden would wrestle this match with lipstick smears all over his face, courtesy of the amorous WhoDat?

     Perhaps Hayden's greatest humiliation comes when the WhoDat? drags him around the ring by his hair, making him walk in circles on his hands and knees, like a dog...

"Hey Sandman, look at your partner! 'In dreams, I walk with you...'"

     The WhoDat? provides a graphic narration as he applies a long, punishing head-scissors on Hayden...

"Right now, I'm tearing the cartilage in his ears. That's how wrestlers get cauliflower ears."

What's next in store for our young hero?

Body scissors! "Your legs are three times stronger than your arms," the WhoDat? lectures.

Simultaneous body scissors and arm bar! "Which hurts more?"

     When the WhoDat? goes to work on Hayden's legs and elicits a bone-chilling shriek from the young man, we are forced to do a video edit.

"Now, Sean used this hold on you in the last match, but he didn't really do it right..."

     The match resumes, and the punishment continues...

Dragging Hayden by his ear.

    

"Some cannibalistic tribes believe..."

"...that you gain the strength of your enemies by consuming their flesh."

"Thought I was going to eat you alive, didn't you?"

"I could tear your throat out right now. Don't resist me!"

A modified camel clutch puts quite a strain on Hayden's neck muscles.

Hayden's fingers were quite flexible. None were broken in this scene.

The Masked WhoDat? decides to apply a figure-four leg lock to Hayden Beaulieu

     When the Masked WhoDat? applied the figure-four leg lock, referee Sean Evans finally saw an opportunity to end this brutal, no-disqualification, no-time-limit match. As the WhoDat? applied the maneuver, Hayden's shoulders were inadvertently pinned to the mat, so Sean quickly delivered a three-count. The bell rang, the match was over, and the WhoDat? was declared winner via pinfall.
     That's the end of this match...but it's not the end of this video. The WhoDat? refused to break the hold, regardless of repeated requests by referee Sean Evans. As Hayden pleaded for help, Sean reached his breaking point.

Sean didn't pull any punches as he forced the WhoDat? to break the hold.

Hayden scurried from the mat room as the action got out of control.

The fight moved from the living room into the patio...

...and finally into the backyard, where Sean unceremoniously dumped the WhoDat? into an abandoned well.

Hayden joined Sean to check on the carnage.

Strangely enough, Hayden seemed more worried about the WhoDat's condition; Sean was totally apathetic.

Then a robin appears next to the abandoned well, symbolizing the arrival of light...

...and an end to the WhoDat's creepy and bizarre world of darkness.

Sean helps his injured partner walk to a nearby bench...

...and takes a seat at Hayden's side.

The two young men contemplate their future...

...as the robin continues to chirp in an agitated, protective manner.

Bobby Vinton's original version of "Blue Velvet" plays as we see candid footage of Sean and Hayden bonding during the shoot. The credits roll.

(The LRW Locker Room page has been updated to reflect the outcome of this match.)
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